My Religion

Elton John was recently quoted as saying (I paraphrase) that if it were up to him he would outlaw all religions. I am sure he outraged many, as a statement like that is prone to do, but I thought it was a pretty genius statement. More blood has been spilled, more punches thrown, more boys fondled, in the name of one God or another than any video game, movie, rap song or book.

Regardless, it'll never happen. It'll take too much money to reprint all those calendars. And everyone knows the fucking Christmas albums were recorded back in July anyway.

But it got me thinking. If humans have to - HAVE TO - have a religion in their lives, as they have proved countless times over...why not mine? After all, I think I'm important. I think I have something to say. I like to rest on Sundays. I would like people to collect money for me. And to be honest, the thought of a little me on your dashboard or fridge makes me smile.

Fuck, if Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes can get married in a ceremony written by a science fiction writer that proclaims, "women need frilly things, like a comb, and sometimes a cat..." I know I can do better.

As far as I can tell, religion's most important contribution is the attempt to put a moral belief system in place. I get that. If believing in a God stops you from harming your neighbor, great. Now, if that same religion also encourages you to kill strangers in that same God's name I sense a contradiction.

So my first commandment would be - actually, even "commandment" is a little too religious for me. My first "tip" would be:

Adam's Tip #1: Don't do bad stuff.

I think that kind of sums it up. If you are pretty sure it is a bad thing to do to yourself or someone else, don't do it. Ten Commandments? I can think of a lot more than 10 bad things not to do. If we have to break it down by category we'll be here for days. "Thou Shalt Not Leave the Rest Room without Washing Thy Hands," "Thou Shall Fill Out Thy Deposit Slip BEFORE Getting On Line At Thy Bank" - I mean, where does it end? Don't do bad stuff. Done.

And if you don't follow Adam's Tip you won't be sent to a fiery netherworld after you die. Worse. People will think you are an asshole while you're still here on earth.

I am working on others. I can't mention #2 because it is huge I know people will rip that shit off but I am thinking the next two after that will be:

Adam's Tip #3: Don't dress your pets like people.

Adam's Tip #4: If Stanley Tucci is in it, it's probably a good movie.

Put Tip #1 into effect tomorrow. Let me know how it works out for you.