Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Working Towards A Cure...

Every year the world's brightest minds - scientists, doctors, engineers, computer designers etc. make amazing break throughs. What was thought impossible a few years ago are making our lives better today: Cancer research, treatments for HIV, stem cell research etc.

But I for one, think all of these big brains are completely focused in the wrong areas. There is an allfiction that billions upon billion suffer from. An affliction whose cure would change the lives of countless people.

Basically, somebody's got to grow me some hair.

Tell me how can we do live organ transplants, determine Pluto is not a planet, come up with organic fuel alternatives or 145 different kinds of fucking iPods and not one motherfucker can come up with a way to grow a single hair on a bald man's head. Answer that Einstein?

Sure, we have tons of ways of REMOVING hair - shaving, waxing, plucking, laser removal, but not one tried and true formula for growing one of those fuckers. All of you hair removers - you are flaunting your hairness right infront of my shiny bald head. "Oh look at me, I have SO MUCH hair, I have to get rid of some." To me that is like a fertile family throwing all their extra babies in the trash while the sterile family across the street has no choice but to consider adoption.

I WILL NOT ADOPT...hair. No toupe, no plugs, no wigs, no siree mister, Why? Cause they all suck. Because we all know who wears toupes: William Shatner, Burt Reynolds, Ted Danson etc. So far only one human has managed to mystify the hair gods. One man has risen from the depths and accomplished what no one else has done:

Matthew McConaughey.

In my book, this is the smartest man on the planet. This fucker has done something no man has. He has gone from near bald to sexiest man alive. WHAT IS HIS SECRET?

BEFORE - Just a few naked bongo playing years back...

AFTER - A few years later the hair gods have shined brightly on him...

It doesn't look like a toupe, doesn't look like plugs, it isn't that spray on hair/string crap. He has been quoted as saying he grew back his hair using "an organic treatment."

This Texan fucker has the cure for baldness and is holding out on us. God forbid Jason Alexander or Patrick Stewart should be crowned the "Sexiest Man Alive." The world would end!

I gauruntee you if a sure fire cure for baldness was discovered the world would be a better place. There are a lot of psychos out there that are channeling their bald insecurities into some unhealthy areas. I promise there would be less:
- War
- Sex Crimes
- Asshole Bosses
- Weird Uncles
- Swingers
- Pimps.

So I put it out to all of the finest minds in the known galaxy: Stop working on your time machines, your reverse particle generators and flux capacitors and work on giving me something to comb.

I'll be waiting.

No comments: