Mickey Fucking Mouse

Somebody tell me what the attraction of this little rodent is?

As a parent you are often at the whim of your child's current obsession. For a prime example, read my previous entry on "High School Musical."

To that end, I try to influcent my kids as much as possible. Why? Because media today is flooded with graphic depictions of sex. violence and other gratuitous misconduct that rots the brains of our youth and instills in them a warped sense of reality that stunts their development and plagues them for the rest their adult lives?

Fuck no. Cause half of the kid's shit out there is ANNOYING. And if I am going to be subjected to it 24/7 it damn well better be something I can tolerate.

So, like my father before me, I will cram my own interests down my kids throats in hopes that a big purple dinosaur never sets foot in my motherfucking house.

For new or soon to be parents out there, I have put together the following suggested viewing list:
- Bugs Bunny and pretty much any Warner Brothers cartoon. Bugs and crew have character, they are witty and their actions and humor play to your kids and you and the same time, if not on different levels. I can watch Bug Bunny, Elmer, Daffy Duck and Foghorn Leghorn all day. Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner can grate after a while but usually only after hours two or three.

- Anything by Jim Henson. The man was a God and one of the reasons I am in the entertainment business in the first place. Unfortunately he died before I had a chance to work with him, which I found extremely selfish on his part. Sesame Street is still enjoyable as an adult although with Jim's passing and Frank Oz getting older much of the old gang - Grover, Cookie Monster, Kermit - are not seen very much. And let's face it, as an adult Bert and Ernie's entire relationship is a bit suspect. In their place are, of course, Elmo, Zoey, Telly and Baby Bear. All of which I find tolerable. Check out Baby Bear - he's fucking awesome. Then of course there is my personal favorite - The Muppet Show. I bought my daughter Season One on DVD and she fought me tooth and nail. Mainly because to an obsessed kid anything new = bad. She's my kid, so of course she loves it despite having no idea who Juliet Prowse, Valeria Harper, Joel Gray or Madeline Kahn are.

- I am proud to say that without any prodding my daughter is hooked on Batman, Superman and Spider-Man. My wife is not happy about this but I guess I find the same pride in my 3 year old knowing who Bruce Wayne is as my dad reveled in me being the only toddler who knew Eddie "Lockjaw" Davis. (hint, he is a musician, not a porn star).

- As far as current fare goes, Higgly Town Hereos is tolerable in bursts if only for the fun in guessing who the guest voice is. So far Ed McMahon as the tug boat captain is a favorite. And of course, They Might Be Giants did the theme song.

- Little Einsteins is produced really well and I actually learn something every time. Sure they teach kids Wagner without going into a whole Nazi speil, but there is always next season.

- There is a new pop punk version of Scooby Doo that is tolerable only for the music. Simple Plan did the theme song and it is not uncommon for the episode's "chase scene" to be over a Ramones track so it can't be all bad.

NOW, here is list all parents should stay away from (I am not always successful at this but tomorrow is another day)...

- Barney. Big, dumb, vapid with no personality. Sings idiotic songs as addictive as crack. He is like Belushi in that old SNL skit, "The Guest That Wouldn't Leave." Let this fucker in your house and you will never get rid of him.

- My daughter's new founf friend - Mickey Mouse. Is she really my kid? What the hell does she see in this rat? High squeaky voice and no distinguishable personality. Does nothing remotely interesting...ever. Plus - why does Goofy the dog walk upright and talk but Pluto the dog is on all fours and can't speak. Is there a canine class system here I don't know about?

- Teletubbies. I was on the fence about them. First they seem freakish, then I got into them from a purely Timothy Leary/LSD angle. They speak their own trippy language which I eventually understood. The show follows almost no narrative or linear line and is just plain freaky. Freaky in a "how stoned were they when they thought of this" kind of thing. Then I saw them for what they are. A secret underground cult trying to make our kids into mindless zombies who will not except that "Tubbie Pudding" is not a real dessert.

- Lazytown. Some fucked up Scandanavian gymnest with a handle bar mustache. His friends are freaky life sized puppets and the whole thing has a weird CandyLand/Willy Wonka vibe - but in a bad way. I can handle, even embrace Oompa Loompas. This show is one a totally different level. And the spandex Sporticus wears is too damn tight. I want my daughter to learn about circumcision a little later in life.

I will save kid's music for another time, but let's just say Ella's favorite song is Wings' "Live and Let Die." No fucking "Wheels on the Bus" in my house buster.