Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Hell On Earth

I had a whole diatribe prepared on overly critical industry wannabes and the struggle to remain positivie in this business - but this cannot wait.

I fucking hate Home Depot.

Let me say it again. I fucking hate Home Depot.

First off - each store employs exactly 4.5 people. That's right. I say 4.5 because there are usually 4 idiots and then some mildly retarded guy that makes up the 1/2. 4.5 people to cover an entire airplane hanger sized store. They don't even have people at the registers any more. It is all self-service check out. Do the math - does that even qualify it as a store? It is more like a big room of stuff you have to sift through and then leave your money in a jar by the door on your way out.

Secondly - "This is not my section." Not only are 4.5 people completely inadequate for a store of this size but apparently they tend to loiter in sections in which they have no training. Let's see - Earl is in Lighting but knows nothing about Lighting. Sandra is in Paint, but knows nothing about paint...if these 4.5 idiots just all rotated one section to the left maybe we could get a half informed answer on where the fuck the drill bits are. It almost seems like more work to ensure people are no where near an area they know about. It's like a big fucking Sodoku puzzle.

Thirdly - The intercom. I am 100% sure they are speaking in code on that thing. "Customer waiting in Hardware," when translated means approximately. "Attention my three coworkers and the retarded guy - do not, I repeat DO NOT go anywhere near Hardware." They leave you waiting for ever. Then, in order to check to see if the coast is clear, they send a scout - cleverly from "another department" to do a drive by. If by chance you haven't wilted and died and can summon enough strength to stop him...you got it..."this isn't my department."

I was there last year to buy veritcal blinds. I picked out the ones I wanted and needed to have them cut. After 20 minutes I went in search of an orange smock. I got the "T.I.M.D." (this isn't my department) which they followed up immediately with a page - pretty clever. it almost gave me the illusion I was going to leave the store within the same fiscal year I arrived. After another 20 minutes with no response I swear to God - I got on the intercom myself. (I watched her press *8 to talk last time) and I said the following:

"Can an employee qualified to cut vertical blinds please report immediately to the window treatment aisle? This is not another orange smock talking for the hell of it. This is a customer who has been waiting for 40 minutes. In another 5 minutes I cannot be held responsible for what will happen. There will be an uprising."

I heard a smattering of applause echo through the steel building and a manager came running. "Sir, the intercom is for employees only." But the motherfucker cut my blinds. Frustrated customers shook my hand as I left. I was their hero.

This morning I went looking for a telescoping light bulb changer - I have really, really high ceilings. When I finally found someone she said, "Well, that is not my section but maybe I can help." I told her what I needed and she replied, "Oh my gosh. They actually make such a thing? What a nifty contraption that must be. Where can I get one?"

She must have been the .5 in that store.

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