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Adam's Top 10 Worst New Year's Eves...

10. A rock solid plan to lose my virginity turned into losing only my ride home, my wallet and my house keys.

9. Spent a romantic evening with my 10th grade girlfriend...and her new boyfriend. Apparently I was not made aware we broke up. He still writes though so I got that goin' for me...

8. Got chased through an abandoned shopping center by some nice gentlemen who kept referring to me as "cracker."

7. Stuck in a friend's basement party with 103 degree fever. I was hallucinating so badly at midnight (purely from the fever) that people had to convince me that a) I could not, in fact, fly and b) the girl playing pool was not The Bionic Woman.

6. Had an "amazing party" to go to. Friends were picking me up at 11. At 10:50 I dozed off and my mom told them to go on without me. Bitch.

5. Rather not talk about it.

4. Produced MTV New Year's Eve Live. Had to escort the police and bomb sniffing dogs through the studio hours before the show in response to a phoned in "threat." Gotta tell you, you don't give a fuck if Justin Timberlake is rockin' his body or not when you think your ass is gonna get blown to kingdom come as the clock strikes 12.

3. Rung in the New Year standing in some annoying kid's kitchen with a capacity crowd of 4. My best friend actually pretended to faint so I could "rush her to the hospital" aka IHOP. Nothing says NYE like a Rooty Tutty Fresh and Fruity...except maybe a Moons Over My Hammy.

2. Rather not talk about it.

1. I was the designated driver at a high school party. An drunk ex-girlfriend wished me a Happy New Year's Eve by grabbing my testicles in her closed fist and not releasing them until Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

So how I am I ringing in 2006? Getting trashed? Playing mailbox baseball? Doing donuts on the high school's baseball diamond?

It's 10:21 pm and I am sitting in bed watching the Godfather while my wife feeds our newborn - and you know what? There is no place I would rather be.

It took me a long time to get over the self-induced pressures of New Year's Eve. It is my least favorite holiday - crap it isn't even holiday. No one was born, no one died, no oil lasted longer and nothing historic was signed. I don't celebrate 9:59 am becoming 10:00am, I don't see why New Year's Eve is so special.

Tonight I officially became old - and ironically had a nearly perfect NYE. Friends of ours had a party - at the witching hour of...4pm. The adults had dinner, watched football (fucking Raiders) and drank while the kids beat the shit out of each other in the other room. I am sure we lost one or two good kids in there. It was a war zone.

We then counted down to that magical moment...7pm. All the kids gathered around with their noise makers and confetti poppers and went to town with the same passion a million drunk people in Times Square waited 12 hours in the saliva freezing cold to do.

Boring? Yes. Uneventful? Yes. But I haven't lost my keys, my testicles, my dignity or had to run through a bomb scare drill.

For once, a perfect New Year's Eve.