Have You Seen My Penis?

Have you? Just curious, cause I haven't seen it in about 2 months.

For some reason, I thought my wife being pregnant gave ME permission to eat anything I wanted. I have consulted a few experts, a few books, and apparently that is not the case. Go figure...

I was one of those kids that could eat anything he wanted and never gain a pound. From 8th grade to my Senior Year of High School I weighed 154 pounds. My mom used to say, "You must have a really fast metabolism." She was half right. I was so athletic (playing soccer 3-4 times a week etc.) that I burned everything off. Now, not so much hence my rapid decline towards Oompa Loompa like proportions.

I hit my heaviest THE LAST TIME MY WIFE was pregnant (see a pattern here?). I will never forget the moment I finally realized I was fat...

I had a co-worker who was morbidly obese. Like 350 - 400 pounds I would guess. Nice guy, but practically handicapped. He could hardly climb stairs etc. Any way, one day a beautiful actress (I think it was Uma Thurman) was on my show and later in the control room someone made a comment like, "Man, how would you like to be with that!" I said something under my breath like, "Who wouldn't."

And then my morbidly obese friend put his arm around me and said, "C'mon Adam. Girls like that don't go for guys like us. Us fat guys gotta stick together."

My face went white. I don't even remember going back to my office. I just remember one sentence repeating over and over in my brain...

"He thinks we are the same size..."
"He thinks we are the same size..."
"He thinks we are the same size..."
"He thinks we are the same size..."
"He thinks we are the same size..."
"He thinks we are the same size..."
"He thinks we are the same size..."

I went on a diet that day and 9 months later I had lost 60 pounds and fit into the same size jeans I wore in high school (except my new ones weren't acid washed).

So here we are a little over three years later and I am quickly climbing up there. I seriously doubt someone stole my penis. I have a hunch he is under there somewhere either crushed by the weight or too embarrassed to be seen with me. I can't blame him.

Combine the hibernating jimmy with my near-puking spell the other day and my freakin' "paralysis" a few weeks ago and the message is clear. I have to get in shape.

Why am I telling you all this? Cause if you see me eating something I shouldn't, slap the fucker right out of my hand. It's the only way I will get any sense knocked into me.

I would tell you to kick me in the balls, but I assume you'd want your shoe back.