Stage Mom

Ok, I'll come right out and say it. I am having children for one, and one reason only. To be succussful at everything I have failed at and to allow me to live vicariously through them. In many primitive cultures, a life you save becomes your own. Well, I can't think of a culture more primitive than ours and since I probably save my kids lives on a daily basis - their asses are mine.

I have compiled a short to do list for them. I think with hard work, a one dimensional existence with no social life and just shutting the fuck up and doing what I tell them, all of the following should be easily obtainable. I would have done it all myself, but, you know, I got distracted.

(In no particular order)

1. Ella will become the greatest living drummer (see photo), tour the world with a hugely successful rock band and choke on her own vomit.

2. Sadie will play center for the NY Knicks and lead them to a Championship.

3. Ella will use her considerable wealth from her rock star status to build a mansion with no stairs - only firepoles and slides. How fucking cool is that.

4. Sadie will create the anti-microwave, the "Freeman Quicki-Freeze." Basically it is a microwave sized appliance that makes things cold as fast as microwaves make things hot? Get it? Quicki-Freeze? C'mon that's God Damned brilliant. I have the plans all drawn up, all Sadie needs to do is read my handwriting, build a proto-type, raise the capital and do all the work.

5. Ella will write and direct amazingly inspirational, touching, humorous movies...about me.

6. Sadie will become the Ultimate Fighting Champion by defeating Dominic Mercogliano to a pulp (and like Luke Skywalker throwing the Emperor into that abyss thereby avenging her father and erasing his high school nick name of "Big Fag Pussy.")

7. Ella will bag a supermodel.

8. After making millions on the "Quicki-Freeze" Sadie will turn a Delorean into a time machine. (I have plans for a flux capacitor as well).

9. Ella will jump her red, white and blue motorcylce over the Grand Canyon.

10. Sadie will succeed David Letterman as the host of the Late Show.

11. Ella will eat an entire BBQ cow in one sitting.

12. Sadie will beat my high score on Tony Hawk's Underground to become the World Video Game Champion. She will also promise me not to date a single boy that entered the competition.

13. Ella will win an Olympic Gold Medal in any event except curling cause that's just plain stupid.

14. Sadie will somehow arrange for myself, Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr to all be in the same place at the same time. An expensive meal (paid for by them) will follow where they will regail me with hours of never-before-heard Beatles anecdotes and finally admit in a drunken stupor that they wanted me in the band all along but my mom kept telling them no.

15. Ella will win an Academy Award (for a movie about me) and during her speech I will be spontaneously given a lifetime achievement award for my massive DVD collection.

Honor thy parents. Ella, Sadie, hook your old man up. Time is ticking. Get on this shit before I have to turn my attention to the mildly retarded boy down the street. He shows promise.