Where Have I Been?

Yes, I know I have not posted in a while. Where was I?

I was in the middle of the Pacific on an aircraft carrier puking my brains out.

I was in Mexico with 104 degree fever.

I was in Hawaii with pneumonia.

I was hunting wild boars.

I was on a zip line 300 feet above a rain forest.

I boating in Pearl Harbor.

I was going from 300 miles per hour to zero miles per hour landing on the deck of the USS Nimitz.

All of the above are totally true. And when I am fully recovered you will hear more.

Until then... (I know it is early, but I already have a 5 year old boy lurking around my house...)

An Application For Permission To Date My Daughter....


NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________
IQ__________ G PA____ _________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________

HOME ADDRESS____________ ______ _____
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ________________________________
______________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No

Pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

_________________________________________________

________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

________________________________________________

________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend _____________________________

How often you attend __________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

_________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

_________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

_________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, AND RED HOT POKERS.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ___ _____________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.