Tuesday, April 10, 2007

THAT Family...

Everyone has witnessed THAT family.

- The family that brings all of their offspring to a 9pm rated R movie: Krissy and I saw "The Cell" sitting behind a family of five, including three pre-schoolers. The opening scene is a psycho Vincent D'Onofrio hanging from meathooks thru his bare skin, masturbating over the body of a dead woman. Shrek it was not.

- The kid having a full on meltdown in the middle of the mall: I actually once heard a kid scream at his mom in front of William Sonoma, "I like my other mom better. The one that comes over to play with daddy when you GO OUT!" I gave him $100 to put towards therapy right there.

- Or the classic, "Screaming baby on a plane." On the way back from our honeymoon, we were trapped in cramped metal cylinder for 6 hours from Italy to New York with a child, I will affectionately refer to as Damien, terrorizing the whole plane. I would have felt more comfortable had he started pulling explosive materials from his shoes. The 405th time he ran down the aisle I actually tripped the fucker. Took him right out. Of course when we were deplaning I got a good look at him and he MIGHT have had Downs Syndrome but hey, I had to do what I had to do.

Well, last week my family became THAT family.

We went to dinner at an Italian chain restaurant called "Bucca De Bepo." Don't know if they have them outside of California. Don't care. I am never going back. It's not just the food, I don't think they will let us.

Those of you without kids - let me explain something. You and I are verbal. We are able to communicate. If we have an itch, we can scratch it. Maybe at most you will hear us say, "Man, I have an itch." If we are hungry or cold you might hear us say, "Man, I am [insert "hungry" or "cold"]."

Babies are not verbal. Not in the complete sentence kinda way. If they have an itch, are hungry or cold they have one form of communication - SCREAM THEIR FUCKING HEADS OFF. Parents know when their child is reaching the point of no return. When the Maitre D kept us waiting too long we could see Sadie getting ready to boil over. She needed to eat...now.

Of course, Ella IS verbal. I guess she was just a bitch that day.

From the moment we sat down our girls were on fire. Sadie didn't want to sit still. She basically pointed at everything and grunted. "What do you want? The pepper? You want the pepper? No? This knife? You want this sharp knife? Sure, anything..."

Ella on the other hand slipped into this Rain Man/Mahareshi mantra thing and basically repeated the phrase, "I want crayons" over and over until we found some fucking crayons. Then she decided to hide under the table and attempted to use the tablecloth as a blanket. All the while Sadie was playing with the knives.

Now, anyone who does not have kids is reading this saying, "Oh no no no. My children WOULD not act like that in public."


You have no idea what you are talking about. When kids meltdown, they meltdown and even Mommie Dearest can't do a God damned thing.

So now the food comes (mine sucked), Sadie is throwing anything she can get her hands on, Ella is alternating between "I want crayons" and begging my wife to let her pour garlic powder on everything. People are looking. Waiters are peeking from behind the corner, couple are asking not to be seated near us.

That's when it hit me in a moment of clarity. We just became THAT family. My wife and I looked at each other and we both knew it. Reflected in her eyes I saw snap shots of our last vacation before becoming parents - floating in the ocean in Jamaica. In my eyes she saw remnants of sleeping past 7am and spending all my money on comic books. When did we become THAT family?

Wisely we decided to get the hell out of Dodge. Ella pulled the coup de' grace when we left by actually doing a handstand and full foward roll out of the booth onto the restaurant's floor. Viola!

I used to have hair. I played in a band (albeit a bad one). How did I get here?

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