Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Henry Rollins on keeping our country safe.

"But I had a revelation last summer. Now I know we will always be safe from foreign invasion. I went to a KISS concert last summer. I was surrounded by 20,000 KISS fans. The KISS Army, basically. The most intense, speed-sniffing, mullet-having, troglodyte-girlfriend bearing, giving-birth-to-frog-like-double-thumbed spawn. Unbelievable. When Ted Nugent, the opening act, kicked the quasi-racist, "Speak English or get out of my country," I blanched and everyone around me went, "RAWWRWWWR!" I realized then that any invading force upon our shores will get decimated. First, the pot smoke is gonna hit 'em. Then they're gonna get hit in the head with, like, tall-boy malt-liquor cans. And then the KISS Army will come waddling, trundling and limping over the hill going, "F--- you, dude!" until these guys get back on their carriers and go back to the sorry sandpit from which they came. So we will be safe, but it's not going to be the American armed forces; it's going to be the KISS Army. We may have to rely on them if this guy gets us into trouble.

Q: Can we draft them into the service?

A: No, all you need to do is tell these guys that there's a KISS reunion on the shore and they'll go.

See, this was my solution last year, to solve this thing with who owns Jerusalem: either have a smart bomb that's not smart enough, and accidentally SCUD [-missile] and level it. "Whoops! Sorry!" I mean, we've made mistakes like that before. Then everyone can go grab rubble, eBay it, and everyone gets paid. Give the property to Trump, let him build upon it, and then everyone will get a piece of the action. Or, just tell the KISS Army that there's going to be a KISS acoustic gig at Mecca and have the American military load all those fans inside carriers painted with the airbrushed, heavy-metal dude with the sword going up toward the sky and the bosomy-woman hugging his knee. Dump them on to Tel Aviv and have those things hit the beach and drive to Mecca and have 300,000 KISS fanatics waiting in Jerusalem for [KISS members] Paul [Stanley] and Gene [Simmons]. You'll have everyone from the king of Jordan to Barak--if he's still around--to Yasir Arafat begging, promising that they will come to a nice agreement about the distribution of the property if these motherf---ers will leave. "They're graffiti-ing the Wailing Wall!" "They're s----ing on the Via Dolorosa!" "They're selling joints at the 14th station of the cross!"

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