Sleep Talking

With two kids, work, play dates, birthday parties, bottles, diapers...blah blah blah...my wife and I rarely have a chance to talk. I honestly look forward to the few moments a day when we can connect and have a real conversation. Especially when she is fast asleep.

See, my wife is a major sleep talker. Every night we climb into bed and before you can say "narcoleptic" she is dead to the world, mouth open, drooling and snoring away. I could actually light her on fire and she wouldn't budge. Don't laugh, I've tried.

But then something magical happens. About 2 hours into her slumber she enters the "zone." She becomes hyper sensitive to stimuli - a car horn, the t.v., me coughing - but nothing wakes her up. The noise jogs her just enough that she enters this weird purgatory keeping one foot in la la land and one foot, well, somewhere else.

I am then confronted with one of three distinctive Krissys.

1. "Freaked Out Krissy" - This Krissy is easily recognizable because she repeats the phrase, "You're freaking me out!" over and over and over. This Krissy is disoriented, as if the gun shot on the t.v. was a bucket of cold water thrown in her face and she has just woken to find herself hanging by her ankles over a pit of alligators. Her eyes never open but she bolts upright and we usually have the following conversation:

HER: What, what, what is it? What's going on?
ME: Nothing hon, go back to sleep.
HER: You're freaking me out.
ME: Go back to sleep.
HER: You're freaking me out.
ME: You're still asleep.
HER: What the hell are you doing? You're totally freaking me ouzzzzzzzzzzz...

2. "Psychotic Krissy" - Thank my lucky stars I have only met this Krissy two or three times in our 13 years together. Our confrontations have usually consisted of the following:

HER: (sits straight up in bed, eyes closed but "looking" at me) WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
ME: (something resembling whimpering)

3. "Psychedelic Krissy" - clearly my favorite. This is the Krissy that is truly floating on a cloud somewhere. Never opening her eyes, she speaks clearly - but only HER side of whatever dream conversation she is in. I have spent hours trying to figure out exactly what the fuck this girl is dreaming. Sample conversations include:

HER: No, no, I wouldn't do that.
(pause)
HER: Well, I guess.
(pause)
HER: Right but if it's peanut butter then it will smell purple.

My ultimate goal, one that I have been working at for years now, is to somehow interact with, and thereby change the course of, Psychedelic Krissy's dream. I talk back to this Krissy and attempt to insert myself in the conversation.

HER: That's so funny.
ME: What's so funny?
HER: I never would have guessed that.
ME: Yeah, um, neither would I. You thirsty?
HER: A little.

Once I have made contact and am a participant in her dream I then try to change the course of it...

ME: Watch out for that pink elephant.
HER: What?
ME: The elephant...eating lo mein. Why don't you ride it naked in the parade?
HER: Ok.

Then at some point the following day I will casually say, "Man, I had some crazy dreams last night. What about you?"

But never once has she mentioned anything about a fucking pink elephant.

Back to the drawing board.