Monday, September 12, 2005

My Music Pet Peeves

MY LIST OF MUSIC PET PEEVES (in no particular order)

1. Hidden Tracks On CD's:

This annoying novelty wore off after Nine Inch Nail's "Broken" EP. "Gee, why does my cd player say this disc has 127 tracks? That's odd." Ok, we get it. They are about as well hidden as Tara Reid's left breast.

2. Music Journalists:

For me, they rank up there with Al Queda. They all wanted to be rockstars and are now bitter. They sit around wearing Guided By Voices t-shirts trying to think of new ways to destroy an auditory experience by turning into a literary one. Ex: “His guitar cuts like a chain saw through the trees of their sonic landscape.” They all are so incredibly "indie" but some how always turn up when VH-1 needs a sound bite on who was the best Van Halen singer. Oh, and they smell. Honestly - have you ever met a music journalist that didn't smell?

3. People Wearing Headphones Who Lie About What They Are Listening To:

You are riding the elevator at work. You see a co-worker sipping their morning Starbucks and listening to their iPod. "What are you listening to?" you ask. They always pause before they answer. That pause says, "Shit, It's Terrence Trent Darby - think, think... "What? Oh Lou Barlow. You know, one of his old lo-fi four track tapes." Just fucking admit it's 9AM and you are totally rockin' out to "Wishing Well." You cared enough to buy, it rip it and upload it - be proud! Damn, I got the freakin' Wiggles on my iPod. There is no shame.

4. 14 Year Old Kids Wearing $68 Designer Rock T-Shirts Of Bands They Never Heard Of:

It's not just that they have never heard of them, its not just that some freaky Betsy Johnson-look alike took a bedazzler to a Good Will t-shirt and is charging $68, it's that I didn't fucking think of it first. Someone's discarded, bong water stained Blue Oyster Cult Shirt just helped buy a house in Malibu. I could have financed the next space shuttle if I kept all the crap in my closet.

5. Addendum to #2 - Journalists That Put Themselves Into Their Pieces:

"So there I stood on Route 66, dust blowing, wind howling when a lone '68 Cadillac appears in the distance. There are only three constants in this world: death, taxes, and Keith Richards is always late to pick me up." Hunter S. Thompson is dead, let the art form die with him. We all know you were at a press junket squeezed between Channel 38 and Telemundo with your little tape recorder.

6. Rock Stars Who OD But Don’t Die:

If you die you become a tragic figure in the annals of rock history. If you OD and live it means you're a light weight.

7. Kareoke And People Who Sing Kareoke: You used to sing into an unamplified hairbrush for a reason. You suck. I would rather have my scrotum pulled gently over my head then hear one more drunk version of "Mandy."

8. The One Rocker In A Band of Pussies:

Every pop band has one "badass." Donnie Wahlberg, Bobby Brown, Joey Fatone, that tat covered AJ from the Backstreet Boys - you are Backstreet Boy, not a Crip. He's just a motorcycle guy in a moped band.

9. People That Make Shoddy Mixed Tapes (cd's):

They make a mixed tape or cd with no thought as to theme, running order, organic flow etc. You have the opportunity to create an experience for the listener – take them on a journey. You can’t just throw “We Got the Beat” after “the Needle and the Damage Done” cause you think they’re both kinda “neat.”

10. People that take mixed tapes and cds way too seriously.

*BONUS: The years of my life when music was the only thing. When a band mattered so much you'd drive 9 hours to see them or sleep in the cold waiting for ticketmaster to open. Now I got the freakin' Wiggles on my iPod...and I'm starting to dig them. Rock On.

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