L.A. Food Sucks

"I don't want to live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light." - Woody Allen, 1977

"I will never, ever live in Los Angeles." - Adam Freeman, 1971 thru 2002

"Wow, it's so sunny." - Adam Freeman, 2003



No one was more surprised than me when I moved to Los Angeles, but at 5'7" I am still a big enough man to admit when I am wrong.

It's always sunny. There are palm trees. Palm trees. I feel like I am on vacation. I have palm trees in my backyard. I'm Magnum PI.

But for Christ's sake will someone get me a real eggroll?

Californians can build roads straight through the Santa Monica Mountains, they can produce over 80% of the world's movies, they can do a riot better than anyone...

So why can't they make decent Chinese and Italian food?

When you order Chinese out here:
- they don't include a little oil covered waxy bag of crispy noodles
- they don't include duck sauce. In fact they don't even KNOW what duck sauce is. No joke.
- white rice is EXTRA? WTF?
- Eggrolls are not eggrolls. LA eggrolls are really shitty NY spring rolls. The size of a roll of quarters.

Me and Krissy's first apartment was directly above a Chinese Resturant. I got down on one knee and proposed in that apartment. To this day I can't get an erection without the smell of eggrolls wafting up through the floor boards.

And don't get me started on the Italian food. My mother-in-law would slit her wrists. I didn't know this but apparently pizza, the food on which NYC was built, the product a thousand different "Rays" claim to have invented, was really created by an Austrian named Wolfgang Puck.

LA people don't know what a "slice" is. Wolfgang fucking Puck has brainwashed the entire West Coast into thinking "gormet pizza" is the only pizza. Two slices with meatball and a coke? No way. Goat cheese, pineapple and ginseng? Coming right up!!!

The first thing Krissy and I did when we got out here was look for a good place to buy Italian groceries. It took months. We would drive around and pass other transplanted New Yorkers with this look in their eyes that said, "Parmesan....someone....get...me....fresh Parmesan..." We all looked like zombies roaming the city for brains.

No one is "from" Los Angeles. 90% of this state moved here. I had to move 3,000 miles away to meet people that grew up less than 5 miles from me in Freeport, Merrick and Massapequa. Not to mention every goomba named "Terry" that is obviously in the witness protection program.

You'd think out of all those transplants ONE would teach these people how to make a decent eggroll and slice of pizza. Until they do I'll just have to settle for my Peking Halibut in an Almond Reduction and a personal pizza with BBQ Pork, Thai Chicken and Pomegranites.

But hey, I have palm trees in my backyard.