Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Chicks Just Don't Understand...

This morning, Sadie, my 18 month old, kicked me squarely in the nuts.

This was not done out of malice, we were tickling each other and...whammo.

Every guy who just read this had a viceral reaction - be it wincing, toes curling, maybe you just tightened your sphincter ever so slightly.

Every woman who just read this thought, "So?"

And that is precisely my point.

While I was grinning and bearing it, waves of testicular shockwaves pulsing through my body, I was even more troubled when my wife spoke these words, "Oh don't be dramatic."

I love my wife, Krissy, with all of my heart. She is the mother of my children. We took an oath to be together forever and we will be. But Krissy, respectfully...fuck you woman.

How can women tells us, "you cannot imagine the pain of childbirth" but they can not entertain, if only for a second, how excruciating a shot to the nuts can be?

Ladies, a solid shot to the nuts can end your day like that. It is not just a pain that hurts in the area struck, it is a pain that flows through every nerve ending. It simultaneously travels up your spine and to every limb in a heartbeat. And it does not go away. It stays with you and keeps reverberating for hours if done properly.

Ever see Total Recall? Most implausable movie ever. Why? Because of Arnold's acting? Because it depicts mind erasure? Because it takes place on Mars? No. It is the most implausable movie ever made because in every fight scene between Arnold and Sharon Stone she kicks him dead in the nuts multiple times. And it slows him down...for a fraction of a second.

I'll buy mind erasure, I'll buy colonies on Mars. But a kick to the nuts played off like you just swatted a fly? Fuck no.

Don't mock our pain.

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