Thursday, February 01, 2007

Adult Video Awards

I have been so busy wafting in the afterglow of my Abbey Road experience that I have neglected to talk about my trip to Vegas - namely the Adult Video News Awards. For those who don't know, this is the porn industry's equivalent of the Oscars. Remember "Boogie Nights?" Well, it has come a long way from the ballroom at a Holiday Inn. They take this shit SERIOUSLY.

This year it was held at the arena at Mandalay bay - roughly the size of Nassau Colliseum/Staples Center etc. But I am getting ahead of myself...

First we walked the Red Carpet with Gene. The first surreal moment of the evening. Everyone was decked out - ballgowns, tuxes etc. Well, not everyone was decked out. Looking down the line you'd see: tux, dress, suit, completely naked, ball gown, dress, tux, dominatrix, tux, space alien with nipple clamps, dress... There were people that actually came completely naked. Duh, that really takes the pressure off what you are going to wear. Of course, not all of them were people you really wanted to see naked. Personally, if I was covered in black and blue marks and open sores I might decide to throw a little something on.

Inside the arena it was a full blown awards show. All of the floor seats/tables were for the industry and all of the teirs were paid admission. Maybe, MAYBE I would pay for nose bleed seats to see, I don't know...Jesus in concert or something. I can't imagine paying for nosebleed seats to see porn stars eat salsbury steak.

Gene presented the first award. It was for (drumroll) "Best Oral." Duh. He and Tara Patrick presented. I am not a porn fan, but I guess she is a big deal. When the winner was announced (I can't remember who) a very pretty girl that could have been right out of the Golden Globes or the Oscars came rushing up to the stage to thunderous applause. The following is a loose transcript of her acceptance speech. I can't remember it word for word because I was, well, laughing.,.

"Oh my gosh, this is strange. Such an honor. Thank you, thank you thank you! (tears start to flow) I have so many people to thank. (Insert Porn Company) for giving me my break in the business, (Insert Co-Star) for an amazing scene. I want to thank my parents and of course God. (massive tears start to flow) But most of all...."

Are you ready for big finish?


The rest of the night just got more surreal. "And the nominees for Best Double Penetration Scene are..."FUCK," "Weapons of Ass Detruction 4" (cause you know there were so many unanswered questions from 1, 2 & 3), "Inseminated By Black Men" and "Seduction" (one of the classier titles). When the two co-stars that won Best Anal scene accepted the chick rightfully said, "I don't know why he is getting an award, I was the one who had to get fucked up the ass."

On a side note, I met Ron Jeremy, shook his hand, and instantly deloused myself with AJAX and a wire brush.

After the awards we went to an after party thrown by one of the porn companies. It was in a suite at the top of the Mandalay Bay Hotel. We walked in the door and I can honestly tell you I have never smelled anything like this before. The suite was filled beyond capacity (we're talking like Great White concert, light people on fire capacity). The smell was a combination of beer, puke, BO, no AC - all soaked into a 50 year old carpet. I have a super strong stomach and I swear to God, I walked in and instantly started dry heaving. We turned around and left. Total time at the party - :30 seconds.

I am glad I went. It was another surreal chapter in some book I'll publish someday.

Some other time I will tell you about the AVN EXPO,, the dildo robot and Jenna Jamison.

In the meantime - for your viewing pleaseure...

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