I Fucking Love Kiss

I don't mean, "I fucking love Kiss" as in their music speaks to me on a molecular level. I don't mean "I fucking love Kiss" as in I remember exactly where I was when I first heard, "Love Gun."

I mean, I fucking love Kiss. You have to.

I remember talking in the school yard with my friends - are they superheroes? Are they living or dead? Is it true they are ninjas hiding out in the United States? (ok, I made the last one up.) Today's "musicians" have no mystery. US Weekly makes a big deal out of making celebs "Just Like Us!" They go to Coffee Bean, they get traffic tickets -fuck that. I DON'T WANT THEM TO BE LIKE ME. I want to read about whether Gene Simmons had a cow's tongue sewed onto the end of his. I want to know if Ace Frehely as really been abducted by aliens.

Will *NSYNC reunite? Who the fuck cares. I swear to God I have an old Kiss magazine that goes into great detail as to how the Hulk and Superman auditioned for Kiss. No shit. Superman won because he could run really fast and play every instrument in "Strutter" at the same time...and the Hulk smashed all the equipment.

Name another rock band that had their own TV special? They fucking turned into their alter-egos by clutching magic medallions. Let's see the Dixie Chicks do that shit. Bet they couldn't defeat the Phantom of the Park either.

Not to mention they put a drop of their own blood into the printing press churning out their Marvel Comic Book. Fucking awesome.

Having produced two of MTV's biggest "alternative" music shows - "Alternative Nation" and "120 Minutes" not to mention "Total Request Live," I have encountered dozens, probably hundreds of "artists" that take themselves way too seriously.

- Eddie Vedder & Pearl Jam who insisted on keeping their integrity and not make any music videos....and live off the boatloads of cash the videos from their first album made them.

- Rage Against The Machine. Do I have to say it? "Take the Power Back?" You can have it, why are you screaming?

- Radiohead. Amazing band...assholes. AND I saved Thom Yorke's life, literally, but that will be another post.

- Weezer. Refused to speak during their first ever television interview. I don't mean they were shy. I mean THEY DIDN'T SPEAK. Then they got pissed when I aired the whole fucking thing.

- Kurt Cobain. Amazing songwriter who...well you know. Troubled guy, but lighten up. He shot himself because he was so concerned with "selling out."

Ah, "selling out." The #1 concern amongst musicians. They spend their childhood singing into a hairbrush to "In A Gadda Da Vida" and then bitch when they become famous. The whole time they are making music videos and accepting awards they are picturing their original 50 fans sitting in some dank basement club bitching about how, "They sold out man. They used to be cool." Then they thick if they somehow treat everyone like assholes they are holding on to who they really are. Green Day, are you listening? Go cash your checks.

You know what is missing from music today? A complete lack of integrity. Yeah, you heard me.

KISS has absolutely no integrity whatsoever. They are all about making money and they have never once tried to hide it. For example:

- They didn't write a lot of their songs. A hit is a hit, who cares if they wrote it themselves.
- When one of them couldn't make it to the studio a session musician was hired. A "band?" No. A bunch of guys. One is missing? Rent a new guy for the day. How the hell do you think they recordeded an entire album while Ace was in jail? It's not him on the record. It's him on the album cover, not him on the record.
- When music changed. So did they. Check out their disco hit, "I Was Made For Loving You." Disco Kiss. Classic.
- One of them fucked Donna Summer and Cher.
- They kicked two members out at the drop of a hat.
- They replaced them with a "fox" and some guy with an Egyptian "Onk" on his head. What?
- They each released a solo album on the same day, didn't write half of the songs on them and the Dave Letterman band played all the instruments. Check the liner notes: Will Lee, Sid McGinnis, Anton Fig...
- When glam was out they took of the make-up and started wearing colorful scarves.
- When the colorful scarves went out (were they ever in?) they dressed like Slayer or Pantera. Bands that actually have credibility.
- When the money was there they kicked out two new members, brought back Peter and Ace and hit the road doing the exact same tour as "KISS Alive II."
- When Peter and Ace acted up again they were kicked out...and Kiss continued to tour with two new guys IN ACE AND PETER'S MAKE-UP. They rented guys again.

Not to mention their biggest accomplishment of all...MERCHANDISE.

They have unapologetically slapped their name on everything and anything under the sun. Sure, early on it was T-Shirts and posters, keychains, stickers. Then came 12-inch action figures. A rock band releasing action figures? I used to have them beat the shit out of my Six Million Dollar Man doll - I mean action figure.

Then it got good - ceramic tiles, X-Mas ornaments, lunchboxes, Halloween costumes, condoms, night lights, NASCAR models(?), incense burners, air fresheners, baseballs, bowling balls, lip balm, Kissopoly the board game, pinball games, video games, sheets, blankets, pajamas, rugs, ashtrays, cameras, a fucking dip bowl set -

pool cues, lamps, lollipops, jigsaw puzzles and to mention the motherfucker of all motherfuckers...the KISS coffin.

I mean, c'mon. And they just announced to today they are releasing His/Her Kiss scents - made with real feremones. Yay!

How can you not love these guys? We need another band like Kiss.

And just 'cause you were good...and read all the way to the end...