Wednesday, February 01, 2006

News Shnews


No matter how long I live on the West Coast, I will never feel comfortable with Los Angeles Newscasts.

In NY I started my day with Chuck Scarborough, Sue Simmons - people I felt I could trust. Everyone out here looks like an actor playing a News Anchor. I mean look at these people? Do you trust them? They all look like they should either be on the dust jacket of a self help book or trying to get you to sell Amway.

I couldn't find any pictures to support it - but I sweat to God some of the female Newscasters wear jeans and these low cut tops - they look they are going out dancing.

NEWCASTERS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE MASTERBATION MATERIAL.

No newscaster should be hot - male or female. You can't listen to a hard hitting story about Saddam's trial from a hot chick cause all you are thinking is "I would sure love see her Doppler Radar..."

Did anyone, anyone get sexually aroused by Murrow? Conkrite? Shallet? Exactly.

Not that the LA newscasters are giving us hard hitting stories. There are only 4 kind of stories they report:

- High speed pursuits. All of us watching OJ on the east coast were like, "Oh my God - he's speeding away from the police! Holy shit!" Californians looked at OJ and thought, "Take the 10 it's faster, it's faster." It happens every fucking day out here. That same helicopter shot, car weaves in and out of traffic - the newscasters even know the names of the maneuvers the police use to ram them off the road. "Ladier & Gentlemen, the officer's vehicle is approaching the subject for I what I assume will be a bump and rub."

- Dead kids. Kids in dumpsters, kids in auto accidents, kids tied up in basements, any kid who gets a boo boo is a lead story. It pretty much garuntees that you will be weeping through the remainder of the broadcast.

- Sports. Count these: Lakers, Clippers, Golden State Warriors, Dodgers, Angels, Padres, Giants, Oakland A's, - HOW MANY FUCKING TEAMS DOES THIS STATE NEED?

- Entertainment. I should have put this first because it usually is the lead story. Let's see, the Palestinian government is crumbling....or....the Golden Globe Nominations? Out here it's a no brainer. All of the entertainment reporters dress like a Mean Girl and act like they are Clueless.

Every time I put on the local news I feel like I am in the Truman Show. Like the minute I leave for work, Barbie and Ken will say, "Whew, he's gone. Let's jump on over to The Guiding Light where we belong."

But there is one who stands above the rest. A man who has risen above the others to capture my attention...Furnell Chatman.


This picture does not do him justice. His hair has a magical hold over me. The sides and the back are completely white and the top...the summit...Devil's Tower...is jet black.

I pray to God it is a wig, because if you have OPTIONS and you choose to look like that you have really deep seeded problems. And if it is a wig - DOES HE THINK HE IS FOOLING ANYONE? I am fully expecting that rug to move up to co-anchor within the next year. It did a great job covering the Gubernatorial Re-elections so I bet they give it a shot soon.

Until LA wises up and gets some real, credible newscasters I will ust have to stick with the Drudge Report on the web. Plain, simple, neutered.

1 comment:

PETE said...

you funny