Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Deiter's House

I have written before about how I am completely out numbered in my own house. Three women vs. one male...make that three Catholic women vs. one Jewish male.

I am what I consider "culturally Jewish." Although I am a devout athiest, I do feel a connection to the culture.

I do not know:
- the history of the religion
- any of it's teachings
- one word of Hebrew
- what year it is in the Jewish calendar
- one word of the bible - either testament
- when any holidays fall, let alone what they mean.

I do know:
- milk with spaghetti is fucking gross
- the ONLY bread is rye bread
- few things beat good deli
- guilt
- neurosis
- every Woody Allen movie
- every Mel Brooks movie
- where the Catskill Mountains are
- how to make a good Egg Cream
- the only condiment that goes on turkey is Russian dressing

So, am I Jewish? You bet your foreskin I am. Besides, both of my parents are from the Jewish Holy Land...Flatbush, Brooklyn so there's that.

Judiasm is like my little brother. I'll make fun of him, I'll abuse him, embarrass him and give him a wedgie - but if someone else fucks with my little brother you have a problem.

When my wife and I dated we had the inevitable "kids" conversation. We both agreed we would raise our kids non-denominational. Religion wasn't present in our day to day life and we didn't miss it. Done, settled, agreed.

So, Monday night I am driving my family to our local Catholic School so Ella can perform in her first ever Christmas Pagaent when she starts in about Deiter's House. All week she has wanted to go to Deiter's House. When can we go to Deiter's House. There is no Deiter in her class? Deiter isn't a Wiggle, who the hell is Deiter?

Just to show you how stupid my wife thinks I am, she constantly tells me how the school is not "really religious." Of course. Every school has portraits of Pope John Paul II in the hallways. My wife promised me there wasn't "really any religious training in the class." Sure. You want to know why she thinks I am stupid? Cause I am. I fucking believed her. "What? Step into that shower with 1,000 other Jews? To freshen up? And then dry off in that oven? Ok sure, if you say so...." I am pretty sure gullable is a Yiddish word.

So we are pulling into the Church parking lot and Ella is raving about Deiter's House. This is how the conversation goes...

Ella: "I wan to go to Deiter's Hass."
Us: "Deiter's House?"
Ella: "No, Deiter's House."
Us: "Who is Deiter?"
Ella: "Deiter!"
Us: "Is he in your class?"
Ella: "No, Deiter's House."
Us: "Ella, we don't understand."
Ella: "Deiter's House. Jeiter's House?"
Us: "Jeiter's House? Derek Jeiter's House?"
Ella: "No, Jeez us house?"
Adam: "What the fuck did she just say?"
Krissy: "C'mon, everyone, let's go..."
Ella: "Jeezus House!"
Adam: "Did she just say Jesus' House?"
Krissy: "I don't know, I can't understand her."

(sound of Adam slamming his head into the steering wheel repeatedly)

Ella: "Look! It's Jesus' House! Jesus' House!"

So we went to the show, the kids sang carols, and thanked the Lord.

Then I took Ella home, made her watch Annie Hall, force fed her hot pastrami and seltzer and listened to Mel Brook's and Carl Reiner's "2000 Year Old Man" album.

Oy veh.


Aunt Elise said...

I love Krissy's reaction - trying to get her and Ella out of the car as fast as she can! Adam -- you're living with 3 "shikses" - get over it and stop being so "farklempt"! Love, Aunt Elise

PETE said...

hey! try stand up comedy !you might like doing it !you're really funny.
o.k. , schmuck !< adj:yiddish- sap, sucker, easily duped