Too Much Time

I just started a new job in downtown LA. I had never been to downtown LA before. Most of LA looks like Queens Blvd with Palm Trees - how can you tell what is downtown?

Now I know. I live in the valley - north west of LA. That puts downtown squarely as "fucking far from my house as is humanly possible" and still be in LA.

The last show I worked on was 15 minutes away from my house. My commute is now 1 hr. on a good day. My record for making it home stands at 3 hrs.

Needless to say, I have way too much time on my hands. On the way in I listen to Stern so that occupies my mind, but coming home - when the commute is the longest - I am shit out of luck.

But something positive has come out of all of this. I have time to develop a few ideas that I think could make everyone's commute more enjoyable.

First off, every single car should come with a built in phone...and that phone number should be the lisence plate so when some fucker cuts you off you could just call them up and ask them what the fuck were they thinking? Or tell the girl in the car next to you that you saw her insert her finger in her nose up to the knuckle. Or tell the guy in the Honda Civic that spinning rims, a rear spoiler, car phone antenna and racing stripes doesn't CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT IS A HONDA CIVIC.

Think of the possibilities! What would you say if you could just dial up anyone on the road? No doubt it would spawn a whole new dating pool. Construction workers wouldn't have to lay off the sexual harrassment just because they're not on the job site.

Next, I want to create a new touch sensitive drum machine. This drum machine would connect through your car speakers and the pads would be mounted on your steering wheel so when you bang away to Motorhead you could really go to town. I myself am an expert steering wheel drummer. Hi Hat - 2 o'clock. Snare drum - 10 o'clock. Bass Drum - 9 o'clock. Ride Cymbal - 3 o'clock. Crash symbol - 12 o'clock. That part on "In The Air Tonight" - when the drums come in? I got that shit nailed.

Did I tell you I have too much time?

And while we're on music - as an added feature, every car should have a LED screen on the roof that displays the song the driver is currently listening to because sometimes I see a rival steering wheel drummer going off, and I want to jump in and solo somewhere in the middle. Or you see someone belting out a song like Bette Midler and you just have to know what they're jamming to. The other day I saw a woman in my rear view mirror doing a completely choreographed routine. She had the head moves, the finger point - she was the best automobile dancer I have ever seen. See? That concert could have benefitted from the LED screen AND the phone. You go girl!

I would have an optional airbag feature on new cars where you could pay extra for the airbags to be shaped like a passenger. That way in really crazy traffic I could activate the airbag and get in the carpool lane.

I would like my front windows to have holograms of me looking straight ahead so I could really turn and check out the other drivers. The people watching is fascinating in bumper to bumper traffic. It's like that "Everybody Hurts" video from R.E.M. The holograms would also save me from accidentally locking eyes with a gangbanger in the lowrider next to me and having to take a different route home for fear of leading the Crips back to my house.

I would have each car given a frequency on the radio so you could tune a car in and hear the conversation. I have seen some wicked couple fights and an endless parade of folks talking to themselves. Haven't you been dying to know what they are saying?

And lastly, I would like the talking GPS system to tell me I look nice in the morning.

So I may be spending 60 bucks in gas a week, putting a plethora of miles on my car and missing dinner with my family - but I got a bunch of stuff to patent.