Survivor

I might be the last person on earth to have never seen Survivor. Not one single episode.

Sure, I have stood around the office water cooler while co-workers passionately spoke of mythical heroes like "Johnny Fairplay" and "Boston Rob" - whoever the hell they are. Embarrassed someone would learn of my horrible secret I would nod, careful not to agree or protest so enthusiastically that I was questioned.

I turned down offers to come to "Survivor Finale" parties for fear of being exposed. To these die hard followers, a Survivor Finale is as big as the Superbowl and I didn't want to be the one loser at the party that asks, "Why is that ball shaped so funny?"

I recently made a life decision. I have decided to commit to watching this season of Survivor. I figure with my trusty TiVo at my side I should be able to keep up with the Joneses at the water cooler.

I am two episodes in and I have to say - it has nothing to do with surviving at all.

They travel to some exotic local. Got it.

They have very little food or water, ok, I'm with you.

They hike 11 miles through the jungle - awesome. I am totally there. Dehydration, fatigue - great drama.

They must run a relay race, climb over a huge man made rope spiderweb and retrieve bags full of nothing. Excuse me?

They must compete in an ol' fashioned tug-of-war in (drumroll) mud. What the fuck?

It looks like one big episode of Battle of the Network Stars...without the stars. Put a paper bag over their heads and it might as well be the cast of Soap battling against the Eight is Enough gang. What does any of this have to do with surviving?

This is what the hype is over? This is the Superbowl of reality TV? At this rate, by episode five they will be going head to head in an egg toss, or a three-legged race to the death.

C'mon - let's see them beat each other with a rock over a pint of dirty water. Let's see them kill the fat guy and eat his meat like those soccer players. Can we at least see one get hit with a blow dart or fall into a pit of spikes or something?

You would think there would be some kind of danger. After all, a bunch of dorky white folks standing around the jungle with huge, fucking, incadescent headbands on would attract something, anything.