Saturday, September 03, 2005

Inventors & Perverts

My 2 year old daughter was invited to a friend's birthday party this morning. The last time we let her use the car proved to be a huge mistake, so my wife and decided to drive her.

While the kids were running around, playing and being generally immature, us parents began to coagulate into little groups. For the wives, this was fine. They all know each other from playgroups and mom's groups and Gymboree, but for the husbands it was like one huge blind date.

"Husband A, this is Husband B - you have so much in common. For example, you both shave. Now go off and discuss while we talk about personal wife things like how to commit the perfect murder..."

So I wandered from discussion group to discussion group: shaving, football, peeing standing up, body hair, until I managed to squeeze into a co-ed group talking about the internet.

One of the moms was talking about how worried she is when her teenage daughter surfs the internet - all the online predators, grown men pretending to be 14 year olds and trying to get kids to meet them somewhere.

And was when it struck me. Take any invention in the history of mankind and I promise you its first use was what it was intended for, and the second use was sex.

The Telephone - an invention that would revolutionaize communication world-wide. On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first ever telephone call to his assistant, Thomas Watson. "Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you."

The next sentence? "What are you wearing?"

The obscene phone call is born. 1.800 sex lines are soon to follow.

Leonardo Da Vinci takes the first photo in 1562. Later that week he hung a nudie pin-up in his locker and pornography was born.

Nicholas Cugnot drove the first automobile in 1769. I bet he got laid in it that night.


- The Club. First used by cavemen to kill wild boar, next used to drag females back to their cave.

- The Motion Picture. First movie - "Train Pulling Into Station." Next? "Boobies!"

- The photocopier? 23 minutes after first ever inter-office memo was distributed, Herb Cromwell's bare ass landed in everyone's In box.

- Sausage casings? Condoms.

- Police Handcuffs? C'mon...

- The Back Massager? Nuff said.

...and of course the Internet. Brag away Al Gore. The majority of all revenue it generates comes from Adult Sites.

God damn, some horny schmuck even looked at the vaacum cleaner hose and thought, "I bet if I..." Now that's fucked up.

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