History That Matters To Me...

Friday evening I returned from a month long trek that took me from Vegas to London, to Paris, and then back to London. My internal clock is all f'ed up and my metabolism is that of a meth addict. One moment I am surging with adreneline, the next I am nodding off mid-sentence. I don't even know what time it is supposed to be, let alone what time my body thinks it is. I tried to do the calculations, and if my math is correct, my first day of Junior High is tomorrow. That's can't be right...

I had a little epiphany on this trip - in regards to history, historic sites and my place in it. See, as with most of my work trips, I did not get to see much of the cities I traveled to. This used to wrack me with guilt and a sense of missed opportunity. Not anymore. On this trip I was able to pay respect to the history that matters to me.

I used to be like the majority of us. I felt I HAD to this or that. "Well, you're in _______, you must go to the _________."

Why?

Who says?

There is a lot of pressure put on seeing sites, knowing the history etc. Call me the ugly American, call me whatever but to be totally honest, I don't care as much as most of us pretend to do. Be honest - when was the last time you were in a museum and was really, really into it? Don't fool yourself. You did what we all did - started out very focused, and by the third room you are thinking:

"At what pace do I need to walk so it appears I am giving each masterpiece its due respect but will still get me out of here in time to catch a movie?"

Don't get me wrong. There are sites that interest me - but to a certain degree.

The Roman Colliseum. Very cool. I stood in the middle. I stood on the same ground where countless athletes and slaves were slaughtered for an Emperor's amusement. Do I need to take a three hour tour of the place? Do I need to hear the genetic history of the stray cats that have since taken over the grounds? No. Let me soak it in, give me the Cliff Notes and honestly, I am ready to move on.

The Duomo. Amazing. Great architecture, great works of art. Do I need to see 5,000 paintings all titled, "Madonna con bambino?" After the 30th painting of Maddona and her child I was fine. And it wasn't even like, the real Madonna...

On this trip I went to the top of the Eiffel Tower, I stood below Big Ben, I drove by Buckingham Palace, I stood under the Arc d'Triumph. I got my fill. But I got to go to two places that blew my mind. Blew my mind because this was history that meant something TO ME. They were places I read about and to me were as mythical as the colliseum or the Eiffel Tower.

This is me standing in Studio Two of Abbey Road Studios. They very studio where the Beatles recorded every of one of their albums with exception of parts of "Let It Be." Name a song: "I Saw Her Standing There," "Eleanor Rigby," "Revolution" - name it - created in THAT ROOM.

The control room has been updated of course, but the studio floor is virtually unchanged since 1960. See that piano I am playing? IT IS THE FUCKING PIANO "LADY MADONNA" WAS RECORDED ON. It is covered with cigarette burns from where they used to leave their butts lit. I looked up a picture in the Beatles Anthology book and the freakin' burn marks match.

Ok, how could I not?

Next up was Olympic Studios. Where the Rolling Stones recorded virtually everyone of their albums. Not to mention Jimi Hendrix and Led Zeppelin.


So here are to bizarre events at the same time - jamming with Gene Simmons WHERE The Stones recorded all their hits. We played "Jumpin' Jack Flash" at ground zero.

Those two days were worth the entire trip to me. The Eiffel Tower was great, Big Ben was a sight to see, but where ever you go - search out the history that matters TO YOU.

Missed It By That Much...

It's probably the Beatles' fault, maybe 007's, but I have long be fascinated by England. Not so much the history, but more their place in music and pop culture history. MI5, Penny Lane, Strawberry Fields, all as mysterious and a gazillion miles away as the Empire State Building must be to someone from another country watching King Kong.

I have almost been to England several times. ALMOST.

First up was in High School when I was going to spend the summer with a girl I was crazy about. She dumped me, so that pretty much put an end to that. Strike One.

The next several attempts were while I was at MTV. I had planned on coming over on several different shoots over the years. The Reading Festival etc. Each one was either cancelled at the last minute or an old boss that will go nameless decided it was best if I stayed home at the 11th hour. Strikes Two through Five.

So here I am Tuesday, in my town car on the way to LAX, gazing out the window thinking, "At last. I am finally going to get to England."

Cut to 1 hour later when the Virgin Atlantic ticket agent at LAX turned to me and said, "You know this passport is expired, right?"

WHAT?

That's right. The passport I have been staring at and double checking for months now expired in June of '06, NOT June '07 like I thought. How did I look at the thing over and over again and not notice that? How did my staff that took my passport weeks ago to fill out forms and visas in advance TO MAKE THINGS EASIER not notice either?

So there I stood watching my entire staff, Gene and the whole family board the plane - laughing at my stupidity the whole way. Strike Six.

Once again England slipped thru my fingers.

Luckily, I was able to get it renewed the next morning and less than 20 hours later I was on a flight to Heathrow. I have been here about 5 hours. I am zombie (with the 9 hour time difference).

My car did not have an ejector seat.

I have yet to see one Beatle.

Hopefully there is still time for both.

What I Learned About Strippers

Some people go to work and sit in an office, some dig ditches, other build skyscrapers. I make television so I go where ever the show takes me. I have been in Las Vegas for close to a week now and I have to say, I have learned more about strippers than I ever cared to think about.

Know this - I am not a strip club guy. They gross me out, as do most strippers. Also know this - those out there who go to work and sit in an office, dig ditches and build skyscrapers are now saying, "Shut the fuck up. You got paid to hang out with strippers." So I'll stop complaining and get to the info...

1. The Palamino Club was the first strip club ever built in Las Vegas.
2. A man was shot in the back office in front of the safe.
3. Lap dances weren't invented until 1973.
4. The Palamino Club is the only ALL nude strip club in Vegas that can serve alcohol. They are also the only club that gives all nude, full contact lap dances.
5. Strippers pay clubs to strip, not the other way around. They must pay a house fee which can be anywhere between $50 - $200 depending on the club. A club like Spearmint Rhino that has over 300 girls per 8 hour shift makes over 40k before they even sell a drink.
6. Vegas isn't run by the mob. It is run by the cab drivers. They hold every hotel and casino hostage. Strip clubs currently pay a cab driver $70 for every head they deliver to their club. You and your buddy stumble drunk into a cab and say, "Where's a good strip club?" The cabby takes you to Scores and immediately collects $140. If you do not pay the cabbies they will not only not take people to your club, if anyone specifically asks to be taken to your club they will say anything from, "It burned down" to "that's a gay club. Why don't you try ________"
7. Strippers are really comfortable being naked. (Duh!). But I mean like, when they are not working. It is very distracting to have a conversation with a woman who at the drop of hat will lift up her shirt and ask, "Are my nipple even?"
8. All strippers smell like Shalamar and baby powder.
9. Every stripper has a tattoo.
10. Strippers will do anything to be near someone famous.
11. Contrary to popualr belief, there IS sex in the champagne room.

Tomorrow I graduate from strippers to porn stars. That's right. I am going to the Adult Video Awards. I can't wait to see who wins double anal penetration.

To Be Continued...

Story Time...

Back in the mid 90's I was directing a series of Halloween promos for MTV featuring different horror movie icons: Jason from the Halloween movies, The Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt and my favorite, Pinhead from Clive Barker's Hellraiser movies.

In true MTV fashion I was given a whopping budget of ....5k for an entire weekend's worth of programming - approx. 8 hours of material. This was truly DIY.

In the Hellraiser movies Pinhead resides in a black abyss filled with smoke and swaying meathook chains. My PA and I built a wooden grid out of 2x4's, bought chains from a construction supply store, rented a smoke machine and viola - Pinhead's abyss.

We shot the promos in a NYC hotel where Doug Bradley aka Pinhead was staying while doing press. We dressed one corner of the room with black fabric, balanced our wooden grid on some ladders, hung the chains, cued the smoke machine, added some spooky colored lights - movie magic.

Pinhead took his position and we were about to roll tape when my DP realized, "Hey, is the smoke machine going to set off the hotel's smoke alarms?"

Oh crap. I called the front desk and asked them to send up a maintainence man to temorarily turn off the detectors. We sat around and waited, talked small talk (the weather etc.) with a bloody monster riddled with pins and fishing hooks. Finally, a knock at the door. Whew.

I opened the door to find a small Mexican man of about 45 wearing handyman coveralls. In what felt like slow motion and observed the entire scene from outside my body.

I saw him look at me.
I saw his eyes move passed me to the scene behind me.
I saw him take in the smoke filled room...
The meat hooks covered in tomato sauce...
and the demon with pins sticking out of every orifice.

The old man's eyes widened with fear. I heard a mumble leak from his lips...

"El Diablo..."

He then crossed himself and took off running.

I turned of the smoke alarms myself.

Work Ethic

Back from Aspen with lots of stories to tell...soon I promise.

I can share one now, because it was behind the scenes and will never be referenced on air.

First, let me take a moment to sound like your grandfather. When I started in the entertainment industry roughly 14 years ago I was as entry level as you could get - intern. I worked 30 hours a week for free, and still had my whole classload and writing/producing my senior play to contend with. I did every shit job there was: make coffee, photocopies, run errands, get a director's dry cleaning, file, dub tapes etc. When I got my first paying PA job at $75 a day I was over the moon. You know the rest - my story is not unique - paid my dues, worked endless all nighters, made a little more money, earned a little more responsibility etc until I worked my way all the way up to where I am now...the middle.

Show up. Do your job. Don't go home until your job is done. Take it or leave it.

With the self righteous speech behind me I move on to Aspen story #1...

It is common practice when shooting on location to hire local PA's while in town. Not only does it not pay to fly in an entry level PA and house them, but you need locals to drive, know where they are going, run errands etc. It is grunt work, but that is what PA work is and no production can survive without them. Standard rate in LA or NY is $150 a day. Double what I made blah blah years ago, They also get paid for mileage if using their own car etc. When in smaller cities the rate is usually around $100. Makes sense, you don't make as much in Padukah, KY as you do in NY or LA.

So we are shooting in Aspen and we have hired two local PA's. I am pretty sure their names were FUCKHEAD A AND FUCKHEAD B...for reasons that will soon become apparent. Their responsibilities included:

- Driving
- Errands
- Hold batteries and blank tapes for camera operators
- Whatever the fuck else we fucking need...

So we are on our first day of shooting and it would prove to be the lightest shooting day of the trip - mainly indoors, not many company moves etc.

Around 5p we are shooting a scene with the Tweed-Simmons family in the house they are staying when my production manager whispers in my ear, "Our two PA's are outside. They are quitting."

ME: "They won't be back tomorrow?"
PROD. MANAGER: "No, they are leaving NOW."
ME: "Tell them to hold on one sec. I want to talk to them."

In between shots I make my way outside where one PA is sitting in his car. The other is leaning against the driver's door. This conversation is as verbatim as I can remember it.

ME: "So, what's up guys?"
FUCKHEAD A: "Yeah, so, we're gonna take off."
ME: "You're going to take off? Why?"
FUCKHEAD A: "Well, its not like, not really worth our time."
FUCKHEAD B: "Yeah, like, not worth it."
ME: "What's not worth it?"
FUCKHEAD A: "It's just boring dude."
ME: "Boring?"
FUCKHEAD B: "Yeah, we're like way under utilized."
ME: "You are saying you don't have enough to do so you are leaving?"
FH A: "Yeah man."
ME: "In the middle of production?"
FH B (laughing): "Um, yeah."
ME: "Can I ask you guys something?"
FH A: "Oh gimme a break man..."
ME: "No, I want to ask you something. What do you guys do, are you in school? Is production something you guys want to do as a career or is just a day's work?"
FH B: "This is ridiculous..."
ME: "No, I just want to know because in the dozen or so years I have been making TV this is the most unprofessional thing I have ever seen."
FH A: "Dude, you are hardly using us. We're sitting here."
ME: "You are getting paid to sit here. That is what PA's do."
FH B: "I got one camera guy one battery. That's it. Its not worth it."
ME: "So, its not worth it to get paid for a full day for 10 minutes of work? Would you rather me find stupid shit for you to do? If I had you jog around the block a few times, would the job suddenly be worth it? Trust me. I can find shitty stuff for you to do."
FH A: "Not for a hundred bucks a day."
ME: "What do you expect to make? You just said you haven't done anything all day. Should I pay you even more to not do anything."
FH B: "Our rate is $200 a day. Not $100."
ME: "Then why did you agree to a gig for $100 a day?"
FH A: (laughing) "Dude, don't like, try to guilt us into staying."
ME: (laughing) "Oh, there's no fucking way you are staying."
FH A" "I own my own production company. I don't need this."
ME: "Your company must be doing swimmingly if you have to take $100 a day PA gigs."
FH A: "Oh man..."
ME: "Ok, so you own your own company. So let me ask you, professionally. You are in the middle of a shoot, your money is on the line, your reputation is on the line. In the middle of the shoot an employee comes up to you and says, 'I'm bored. This isn't worth my time. I'm gonna go.' As the boss, you are cool with that? Or do you think that is that most unprofessional thing you've ever fucking heard of?"
FH B: "Give me a break."
ME: "No, this guy owns his own company so I just want to get a sense of how he runs his business..."
FH A: "Whatever."
ME: "Yeah, whatever. Bright guy. Ok, so here's the deal. This is a hit, well known show. These don't blow into town very often. You aren't in NY in LA. I would think the chance to have a name show on your credits would be worth it, but your cool with cable access car dealership commecials, so cool I guess. You were going to get $100, which you agreed to, didn't protest, whatever, for handing a cameraman a battery. Instead, you are going to leave because the job is beneath you. So now, you can't put this show on your credits, you've already worked 9 hours, so the day is shot, AND I am not paying you. So you could have held out for two more hours, got your cash, got the credit, and gone. But now you got nothing."
FH A: "Well, if you want to renegotiate we'll consider staying."
ME: "Renogiate? What are you offering me? Two fuckheads with attitude and no work ethic? Hell of a bargain."
FH A: "Whatever."
ME: "Nice working with you. Go home."

I have seen a lot in this business and I still must be the most naive bastard out there because this conversation blew my mind. Man, do you know the amount of times I would have loved to have said, "Yeah so I'm bored, so I'm going to go." Who the fuck thinks like that?

Not people that last long. That's who.