When Did Being A Geek Become Chic?

I think I have discovered one of the secrets of life.

Timing.

Timing is everything. Talent is ok, drive is ok, hard work will get you places but to truly land on top you need timing. Take selling TV shows for example. A good idea means almost nothing - everyone has a good idea. Everyone has the same good idea. It comes down to the TIMING. Who has that good idea at exactlythe right time the networks (and public) want it.

Case in point - just today I learned that not one but TWO TV show ideas I developed a few years back have gone into production. When I was shopping these ideas people thought I was crazy. I knew in my heart there was something there but none of the buyers did. Neither did my superiors, who often didn't even let me go out to the buyers with the ideas.

Are they genius, Emmy award winning ideas? No. But I knew they would sell. But my TIMING sucked. I was ahead of the curve. Of course, now, someone with better timing than me has walked in and sold the exact same ideas. Fuckers.

A matter of fact, I have had horrible timing my whole life? What the fuck is going on with Geeks suddenly being in fashion? ofcourse it is just my luck that the exact same traits and interests that got my ass kicked on a regular basis are now charming. That Asian guy from "Heros?" In high school in the mid 80's he would have been eaten alive.

All these Hollywood chicks like Lindsey Lohan, Avril Lavigne, Drew Barrymore blah blah blah say geeks are sexy. None of them would save slowed down their cars if I was under their tires in the High School parking lot.

No timing. No timing! I got no timing, I got no timing, I go no timing!

R.I.P.

This week gets more and more surreal.

I just found out, through my mother, that an old friend of mine passed away. Chris Gulfman. Apparently news travels slow across the plains because it has been almost a year. Regardless, for me, it just happened.

Chris and I grew up down the block from each other and throughout grade school he was one of my closest friends. We were on the same soccer team, took art classes together etc. We both took speech lessons as well. Chris grew up with a horrible stutter and I...well I still talk all fucked up. Our younger sisters were good friends, our mothers were good friends.

Oddly enough, I was just speaking about him the other day. I was telling someone over lunch about my childhood friend that for almost a year straight ate nothing but a hotdog (no bun) and mashed potatoes. But not just mashed potatoes. It had to be piled in the shape of a volcano, the hole had to be filled with baked beans, and there had to be ketchup streaming down the sides simulating lava. Its been 30 something years but I still remember that.

Chris and I grew apart in high school. Always said "hi" in the halls, had a few classes together, but we just ended up in different social circles. There was never a fight our a falling out so there was always a subtext to our "hellos" - a friendly acknowledgement that we were friends from way, way back. Ironically, we both ended up working in the same field, which I guess shouldn't be that surprising since we grew up with so much in common.

From what I can gleam from the articles I found on the web, he had an embolism or something. Went to bed and never woke up. Shit like that scares the shit out of me. That could have been any one of us. His mom, Judy, could just have easily called HIM this morning and said she just found out Adam Freeman passed away a few months back.

Kind of gives you a little reality check, I guess.

If friends or family stumble across this post, please know my thoughts are with you. You don't need to hear this from me, because you know already, but Chris was a good guy. Weird fucking taste in food, but a good guy.

Big Announcement

After careful thought and consideration I have decided to make the following statement public record:

I am not the father of Anna Nicole's baby.


I am not a religious man but the more I look around me the more I am realizing the apocalypse is almost upon us. The middle east, the sad state of affairs our country is in, Anna Nicole's baby, Britney's lesbian affairs - its all building towards something.

On top of that Howard Stern (the original) announced he is getting remarried. It definitely is the end of the world.

It Gets More Surreal Everyday...

Kinda speaks for itself.

Anna Nicole Smith

Didn't see that coming...



The one we should feel sorry for is 5 month old Daniellyn.

Watch how that custody/inheritance case develops.

Story Time...

In the early 90's L.A. Gangtsa Rap was in full effect. Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" album was breaking all kinds of records and defining a sub-genre of hip-hop. His videos were all over MTV, which is where I come in.

As a PA at the first MTV Beach House in the Hamptons I was a grunt. I did whatever ugly job no one else wanted to do. All for a whopping $75 a day. One day I was asked to drive into the posh town of East Hampton to pick up Dr. Dre's car.

At the time, his video for "Let Me Ride" was #1 on the channel. It was one of his many videos to feature his extensive collection of lowrider cars. For the uninitiated, a low rider is a 60's model American car refurbished and outfitted with hydraulics on each axel. You know those cars that bounce, lean and tilt? That's a lowrider.

It was being dropped off in town and I had to drive it back. I got a ride from an intern (yes, there was someone lower on the totem pole than me) and was dropped off on Main Street in the middle of a very waspy, Hamptony, snooty street/craft fair. The sidewalks were lined with vendors selling items I can only describe as "quaint." All the rich folk were out dressed like they just came from the Kentuky Derby. Wide brimmed sun hats, loafers etc.

I looked everywhere for the car but didn't see it. I knew the video very well so I expected the mint condition, hunter green convertible to pop right out at me. No deal.

Then I noticed the 18 wheeler. It was unloading an unfamiliar car down a long, steep ramp. That was when I knew the day was going to get weirder.

It seems that since filming the video, Dr. Dre decided to get the car repainted. How nice of him. He covered the mint, shiny green metallic paint job with a dark maroon one.

Oh, and I did mention the clowns and crack whores?

Yes, you read that right. Dre had a mural airbrushed over every inch of the car.

A mural featuring drunk clowns.
Drunk clowns and naked skanky women.
Drunk clowns and naked skanky women...smoking crack pipes.

Yup - clowns and big breasted ho's puffing on crack pipes. They were on the doors. They were on the hood. On the trunk. Not exactly subtle. These were huge, airbrushed murals, like the side of a traveling circus railroad car.

So I hop in the convertible and begin to drive back to the Beach House. Except, on account of the street fair, traffic is moving at 1 mile per hour. My foot isn't even on the gas. I am just coasting. Thank God, because I am now going slow enough for all of the rich, snooty Kentucky Derby people to get a nice, clean, unobstructed view of THE CLOWNS AND CRACK SMOKING WHORES on the side of my car.

People are screaming in disgust. Mothers are covering their children's eyes from the evil. "Mommy, what was THAT?" I am being bombarded with choruses of, "Shame on you!" "Pervert!" "Well I never..." "This is a nice town!" and..."look - boobies!"

Now traffic has stopped and I am stuck in an intersection. Cars in front and behind want to know what the rukus is so the town is gridlocked, with my little side show at the center of it.

At least it wasn't raining.

One by one I felt the drops. Oh shit. It's raining and I am in a convertible. Back then I was convinced that any little screw up would guaruntee that I would never work in the entertainment industry again. I pictured the interior of the car getting ruined and me asking, "Would you like fries with that?"

I started fumbling for the controls for the top. At least the rain will help dispurse the angry mob that has formed around the car.

Unless, the car with clowns and crack whores is bouncing up and down.

So now I am in this car, covered with drunk clowns and naked crack whores BOUNCING up and down at the oh so posh center of East Hampton. Families are running as if the strange flying saucer just opened its hatch and who knows what is going to emerge from the steam and eat their brains.

It was a long ride home.

As an end note, MTV has a mechanic double check the car before they gave it away. Liability and all. The mechanic said, "Thank God no one switched on those hydraulics. The pump lines are running right through a puddle of gasoline in the trunk. One flip of the switch and kapooey!"

That is only thing I could have done to make the day worse. Sit in gridlock in a clown crack car...and blow it up.

So in the end, they had me drive it to a junk yard and abondon it. They gave the winner 20k in cash in lieu of the death mobile. So, to this day, somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of a Hampton Long Island junk yard lies a classic car covered in clowns and crack whores.

Amen.

Adult Video Awards

I have been so busy wafting in the afterglow of my Abbey Road experience that I have neglected to talk about my trip to Vegas - namely the Adult Video News Awards. For those who don't know, this is the porn industry's equivalent of the Oscars. Remember "Boogie Nights?" Well, it has come a long way from the ballroom at a Holiday Inn. They take this shit SERIOUSLY.

This year it was held at the arena at Mandalay bay - roughly the size of Nassau Colliseum/Staples Center etc. But I am getting ahead of myself...

First we walked the Red Carpet with Gene. The first surreal moment of the evening. Everyone was decked out - ballgowns, tuxes etc. Well, not everyone was decked out. Looking down the line you'd see: tux, dress, suit, completely naked, ball gown, dress, tux, dominatrix, tux, space alien with nipple clamps, dress... There were people that actually came completely naked. Duh, that really takes the pressure off what you are going to wear. Of course, not all of them were people you really wanted to see naked. Personally, if I was covered in black and blue marks and open sores I might decide to throw a little something on.

Inside the arena it was a full blown awards show. All of the floor seats/tables were for the industry and all of the teirs were paid admission. Maybe, MAYBE I would pay for nose bleed seats to see, I don't know...Jesus in concert or something. I can't imagine paying for nosebleed seats to see porn stars eat salsbury steak.

Gene presented the first award. It was for (drumroll) "Best Oral." Duh. He and Tara Patrick presented. I am not a porn fan, but I guess she is a big deal. When the winner was announced (I can't remember who) a very pretty girl that could have been right out of the Golden Globes or the Oscars came rushing up to the stage to thunderous applause. The following is a loose transcript of her acceptance speech. I can't remember it word for word because I was, well, laughing.,.

"Oh my gosh, this is strange. Such an honor. Thank you, thank you thank you! (tears start to flow) I have so many people to thank. (Insert Porn Company) for giving me my break in the business, (Insert Co-Star) for an amazing scene. I want to thank my parents and of course God. (massive tears start to flow) But most of all...."

Are you ready for big finish?

"But most of all...I JUST LOVE SUCKING COCK. GOODNIGHT!"

The rest of the night just got more surreal. "And the nominees for Best Double Penetration Scene are..."FUCK," "Weapons of Ass Detruction 4" (cause you know there were so many unanswered questions from 1, 2 & 3), "Inseminated By Black Men" and "Seduction" (one of the classier titles). When the two co-stars that won Best Anal scene accepted the chick rightfully said, "I don't know why he is getting an award, I was the one who had to get fucked up the ass."

On a side note, I met Ron Jeremy, shook his hand, and instantly deloused myself with AJAX and a wire brush.

After the awards we went to an after party thrown by one of the porn companies. It was in a suite at the top of the Mandalay Bay Hotel. We walked in the door and I can honestly tell you I have never smelled anything like this before. The suite was filled beyond capacity (we're talking like Great White concert, light people on fire capacity). The smell was a combination of beer, puke, BO, no AC - all soaked into a 50 year old carpet. I have a super strong stomach and I swear to God, I walked in and instantly started dry heaving. We turned around and left. Total time at the party - :30 seconds.

I am glad I went. It was another surreal chapter in some book I'll publish someday.

Some other time I will tell you about the AVN EXPO, FuckMachines.com, the dildo robot and Jenna Jamison.

In the meantime - for your viewing pleaseure...