Alternate "Smiths"

Little interesting tidbit one of you may find interesting.

The other night I TiVo'd the debut of Ray Liotta's new show, "Smith." I watched the first 5 minutes this afternoon and then got pulled away. Because I season passed it, it recorded a repeat of the premiere tonight. My wife started to watch this second airing when I realized - the opening was different than what I watched this afternoon,

She thought I was crazy but when it comes to movies, dialogue etc I have a photographic memory. We went back to the original recording and confirmed that, yes, I am the shit.

The original opens with a heist gone bad, then flashes back with a graphic that says "60 minutes earler." Ray Liotta is standing on the steps of a museum. We see all the players get into position. Amy Smart is across the street about to pretend she was accosted. She rips her blouse open to fake a struggle. We see another crew member set an explosion in a van. Another, pretending to be a delivery guy pulls into the museum's loading dock etc. Once all the players are in place Ray says, "Let's go" and the heist begins. Amy Smart screams "help" to cause a distraction etc.

BUT in the second version, which aired tonight. We dissolve from the heist gone bad to Ray on the steps. He says, "Let's go" and the heist begins. No players getting into position, bomb being planted. ripping of the blouse etc.

I haven't watched the rest of the episode so I don't know if there are more differences but what could be the reason? Maybe it didn't perform well so they made tweaks for the re-air to improve the pacing? Maybe the original was a minute or two longer to hold viewers over the bottom or top of the hour and log more ratings?

I don't know but hey, I thought it was interesting.

Thank you Strangers!

This week my father and I BOTH lost our wallets. He was at a department store on Long Island, I was at a mall in Woodland Hills, CA. We BOTH had them returned to us, completely in tact, by total strangers.

Maybe all people don't suck.

Oh, how embarrassing...

We've all done embarrassing things. Some more than others. I mean, I have walked head first into glass doors in front of 100 German tourists and threw up on a major television personality (both stories for another time).

But how awkward did the Prime Minister of Thailand feel when his scheduled address to the UN was cancelled because, after leaving the country to travel to the US, his country was taken over in a military coup. He now has as much power in Thailand as I do.

Boy is his face red.

Cut to Commercial!

I have been working in television for about 12 years and I have seen my share of "bloopers."

- I was running Total Request Live when Mariah Carey had her..."meltdown" on live T.V....
- I was running Ryan Seacrest when Janice Dickinson dropped to her knees and pretended to blow him...
- I was at Woodstock '99 when a couple of hundred thousand people decided to set fire...to everything.

And along the way, countless numbers of muttered curse words, nipple slips, drunken guests, irate celebrities on political tirades etc. When you are live you have one of two places to "go" when the shit hits the fan:

1) Another location. Ex.: "Wow those are big aeriolas Tom. Let's go to Stormy for the weather..."
2) Commercial. Ex.: "I don't think those gun shots were part of the celebration...um...We'll be right back..."

Which is why this clip blows my mind. It DOESN'T END. Regardless, I think it is genius. You have to watch till the end - it gets even better the last :20 seconds or so.

Mickey Fucking Mouse

Somebody tell me what the attraction of this little rodent is?

As a parent you are often at the whim of your child's current obsession. For a prime example, read my previous entry on "High School Musical."

To that end, I try to influcent my kids as much as possible. Why? Because media today is flooded with graphic depictions of sex. violence and other gratuitous misconduct that rots the brains of our youth and instills in them a warped sense of reality that stunts their development and plagues them for the rest their adult lives?

Fuck no. Cause half of the kid's shit out there is ANNOYING. And if I am going to be subjected to it 24/7 it damn well better be something I can tolerate.

So, like my father before me, I will cram my own interests down my kids throats in hopes that a big purple dinosaur never sets foot in my motherfucking house.

For new or soon to be parents out there, I have put together the following suggested viewing list:
- Bugs Bunny and pretty much any Warner Brothers cartoon. Bugs and crew have character, they are witty and their actions and humor play to your kids and you and the same time, if not on different levels. I can watch Bug Bunny, Elmer, Daffy Duck and Foghorn Leghorn all day. Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner can grate after a while but usually only after hours two or three.

- Anything by Jim Henson. The man was a God and one of the reasons I am in the entertainment business in the first place. Unfortunately he died before I had a chance to work with him, which I found extremely selfish on his part. Sesame Street is still enjoyable as an adult although with Jim's passing and Frank Oz getting older much of the old gang - Grover, Cookie Monster, Kermit - are not seen very much. And let's face it, as an adult Bert and Ernie's entire relationship is a bit suspect. In their place are, of course, Elmo, Zoey, Telly and Baby Bear. All of which I find tolerable. Check out Baby Bear - he's fucking awesome. Then of course there is my personal favorite - The Muppet Show. I bought my daughter Season One on DVD and she fought me tooth and nail. Mainly because to an obsessed kid anything new = bad. She's my kid, so of course she loves it despite having no idea who Juliet Prowse, Valeria Harper, Joel Gray or Madeline Kahn are.

- I am proud to say that without any prodding my daughter is hooked on Batman, Superman and Spider-Man. My wife is not happy about this but I guess I find the same pride in my 3 year old knowing who Bruce Wayne is as my dad reveled in me being the only toddler who knew Eddie "Lockjaw" Davis. (hint, he is a musician, not a porn star).

- As far as current fare goes, Higgly Town Hereos is tolerable in bursts if only for the fun in guessing who the guest voice is. So far Ed McMahon as the tug boat captain is a favorite. And of course, They Might Be Giants did the theme song.

- Little Einsteins is produced really well and I actually learn something every time. Sure they teach kids Wagner without going into a whole Nazi speil, but there is always next season.

- There is a new pop punk version of Scooby Doo that is tolerable only for the music. Simple Plan did the theme song and it is not uncommon for the episode's "chase scene" to be over a Ramones track so it can't be all bad.

NOW, here is list all parents should stay away from (I am not always successful at this but tomorrow is another day)...

- Barney. Big, dumb, vapid with no personality. Sings idiotic songs as addictive as crack. He is like Belushi in that old SNL skit, "The Guest That Wouldn't Leave." Let this fucker in your house and you will never get rid of him.

- My daughter's new founf friend - Mickey Mouse. Is she really my kid? What the hell does she see in this rat? High squeaky voice and no distinguishable personality. Does nothing remotely interesting...ever. Plus - why does Goofy the dog walk upright and talk but Pluto the dog is on all fours and can't speak. Is there a canine class system here I don't know about?

- Teletubbies. I was on the fence about them. First they seem freakish, then I got into them from a purely Timothy Leary/LSD angle. They speak their own trippy language which I eventually understood. The show follows almost no narrative or linear line and is just plain freaky. Freaky in a "how stoned were they when they thought of this" kind of thing. Then I saw them for what they are. A secret underground cult trying to make our kids into mindless zombies who will not except that "Tubbie Pudding" is not a real dessert.

- Lazytown. Some fucked up Scandanavian gymnest with a handle bar mustache. His friends are freaky life sized puppets and the whole thing has a weird CandyLand/Willy Wonka vibe - but in a bad way. I can handle, even embrace Oompa Loompas. This show is one a totally different level. And the spandex Sporticus wears is too damn tight. I want my daughter to learn about circumcision a little later in life.

I will save kid's music for another time, but let's just say Ella's favorite song is Wings' "Live and Let Die." No fucking "Wheels on the Bus" in my house buster.

Hell On Earth

I had a whole diatribe prepared on overly critical industry wannabes and the struggle to remain positivie in this business - but this cannot wait.

I fucking hate Home Depot.

Let me say it again. I fucking hate Home Depot.

First off - each store employs exactly 4.5 people. That's right. I say 4.5 because there are usually 4 idiots and then some mildly retarded guy that makes up the 1/2. 4.5 people to cover an entire airplane hanger sized store. They don't even have people at the registers any more. It is all self-service check out. Do the math - does that even qualify it as a store? It is more like a big room of stuff you have to sift through and then leave your money in a jar by the door on your way out.

Secondly - "This is not my section." Not only are 4.5 people completely inadequate for a store of this size but apparently they tend to loiter in sections in which they have no training. Let's see - Earl is in Lighting but knows nothing about Lighting. Sandra is in Paint, but knows nothing about paint...if these 4.5 idiots just all rotated one section to the left maybe we could get a half informed answer on where the fuck the drill bits are. It almost seems like more work to ensure people are no where near an area they know about. It's like a big fucking Sodoku puzzle.

Thirdly - The intercom. I am 100% sure they are speaking in code on that thing. "Customer waiting in Hardware," when translated means approximately. "Attention my three coworkers and the retarded guy - do not, I repeat DO NOT go anywhere near Hardware." They leave you waiting for ever. Then, in order to check to see if the coast is clear, they send a scout - cleverly from "another department" to do a drive by. If by chance you haven't wilted and died and can summon enough strength to stop him...you got it..."this isn't my department."

I was there last year to buy veritcal blinds. I picked out the ones I wanted and needed to have them cut. After 20 minutes I went in search of an orange smock. I got the "T.I.M.D." (this isn't my department) which they followed up immediately with a page - pretty clever. it almost gave me the illusion I was going to leave the store within the same fiscal year I arrived. After another 20 minutes with no response I swear to God - I got on the intercom myself. (I watched her press *8 to talk last time) and I said the following:

"Can an employee qualified to cut vertical blinds please report immediately to the window treatment aisle? This is not another orange smock talking for the hell of it. This is a customer who has been waiting for 40 minutes. In another 5 minutes I cannot be held responsible for what will happen. There will be an uprising."

I heard a smattering of applause echo through the steel building and a manager came running. "Sir, the intercom is for employees only." But the motherfucker cut my blinds. Frustrated customers shook my hand as I left. I was their hero.

This morning I went looking for a telescoping light bulb changer - I have really, really high ceilings. When I finally found someone she said, "Well, that is not my section but maybe I can help." I told her what I needed and she replied, "Oh my gosh. They actually make such a thing? What a nifty contraption that must be. Where can I get one?"

She must have been the .5 in that store.

The Illusionist

My wife and I had a rare and long over due "date" on Friday.

We caught a matinee of "The Illusionist" which I highly recommend. Edward Norton plays Eisenheim, an illusionist in turn of the century Vienna. Eisenheim is soon caught in not one, but two triangles - one between himself, the Prince and the Prince's fiance, who as it turns out is a long lost love from his childhood - and the second triangle between himself, the Prince who now wants to destroy him and the Prince's chief inspector, Paul Giamatti, who must reluctantly do the dirty work.

Like an angel and devil sitting on my shoulder I have been having my own internal debates - the movie lover vs. the screenwriter/filmmaker.

I am organizing all of this into a more focused entry for tomorrow but until then I pose this question to the industry people - both professional and amateur - who visit this site...

How do you study an art form in hopes of improving your craft while never losing the freshness and naivete that attracted you to the artform in the first place?

Until then...

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Good Child Care

Man it is hard to find good help.

How would you like to have your kid in the care of this babysitter. No, she didn't beat him, she didn't "touch" him. She just laughs like the freakin' Wicked Witch of the West, and somehow, in this case, that seems much worse.

Nice going Janice. Hang in there little porky kid.

Crikey Part II

I guess I hit a nerve. I consider that a good thing.

My initial post was in direct response to a couple of sentiments I heard over and over during the 24 hours following Steve's passing.

1. SHOCK. Call me an asshole, call me a jerk - but show me someone on this earth who was "shocked" to hear of Steve's death on the job and I'll show you someone who considered Librace "slightly flamboyant." C'mon people. If a firefighter dies in a fire, is it a shock? If a police officer is shot during a robbery attempt, is it a shock? No. Is it tragic, yes. Is it sad, yes. Are you shocked? Give me a fucking break. The guy tackled man eating creatures for a living. As Chris Rock so perfectly put it - "That tiger didn't go crazy...that tiger went tiger!"

2. REPSONSIBILITY. I never said he didn't love what he did. IN FACT I wrote about my personal experiences with the man - something I am sure 99% of the people reading this have not had. He was a good guy who was passionate about what he did - no question. But in my opinion, once you decide to bring children into this world you have a sense of responsibility. To feed them, to clothe them, to love them, to support them and to stay alive to do all of the above. If you are doing something truly brave - truly selfless - such as a police officer, a firefighter, a soldier - I completely understand, respect you and thank you for it. If you drag man eating animals out of swamps, tackle them and film it - I don't put you in the same league. The man made a lot of money and he could have considered toning it down a bit. He didn't as was his perogative. But do not deny me mine.

Steve Irwin was an entertainer. Pure and simple. Sure he was conservationalist, but that is irrelevant. He was not living amongst gorillas for 20 years studying their natural habitat. That would not have made for good television. He was grabbing crocs by the feet, dragging them out of swamps, rolling around on the ground with them and putting them back. On his W-4 his occupation was no different than Evil Kneivel or the guys from Jackass. He did super dangerous stuff to entertain us.

And we loved it. We loved it because there was a very real threat that at any moment he could get hurt.

Well people he did. What a fucking shocker.

To Blog or Not To Blog?

That is the question. See, I started this blog...well I don't really know why. But I have quickly realized that many more people read it than I thought (thank you). I sent the original link to a few friends and family and left it at that.

But more and more I am in meetings or on a shoot and someone mentions that they read my blog. I have had more than one network executive bring it up and I instantly panic and think, "Oh shit. Did I write something that I shouldn't have?" "Did I mention a project too early?" I then race to a computer to make sure I didn't inadvertantly committ career suicide. Josh Friedman or John Rogers can call bullshit on people, but then again, they are Josh Friedman and John Rogers. Not Adam-What's-His-Face.

But I think this one is pretty safe - considering it has already been posted on AiT's site. "Monster Attack Network" has a new kick ass artist. Nima Sorat. Kick ass. Marc and I wrote this to be big, dumb fun and Nima seems to be delivering (Nima - in this case "dumb" is good!)



So perhaps this book will come out sooner than expected which is great. When the powers that be (I have learned to check with the powers that be) says its cool to talk more in depth about me and Marc's other projects, I will.

AND - A huge thanks to David Anaxagoras for putting Lowest Common Denominator on his super comprehensive list of screenwriting/industry blogs. I don't know how he found it - but I have been reading Man Bytes Hollywood for quite a while so it was a trip to see he knew who I was.

Later.

Crikey!!!

Well...duh.

What the fuck do you expect? Was anyone out there truly surprised? Personally I haven't been this shocked since that tiger had the nerve to attack whats-his-face. No, the other one.

I am not a religious man, but if there is a God then I would think that partaking in certain activities is equivalent to looking him (or her) in the eye and saying, "Fuck you. I am here to stay." And in true holier than thou fashion he (or she) looks back at you and says, "Um...no. You're not."

- If you jump out of a perfectly good airplane...
- If you bungee jump off of a perfectly good bridge...
- If you wear a KKK hood on the A train...
- if you tell your wife, "Yes, you DO look fat in those jeans..."

You deserve to fucking die. You have looked into the abyss and said, "One please."

There are so many ways to buy it on a daily basis why tempt fate? And epspecially after you have kids. "Gee, Jimmy - why did you grow up fatherless and turn to a life of crime and/or latent homosexuality? What? Your dad bought a motorcycle at age 52 and tried to jump Snake River Canyon? Bummer."

Believe it or not you do have a responsibility to stay alive. You have a family to provide for. You have kids that love you and will be crushed if you leave this earth that soon and that stupid. If I go - who will program the TiVo?

So you know what I do to preserve my family? You know what I do when I am not working or playing (safely) with my kids? I do what any responsible, sane adult should do...

I sit motionless in a comfortable chair at least 3 yards away from any electrical current, open window, running water or heavy object. I make sure the room tempurature is exactly 72 degrees, that I have had all of my vacinations and that I have not accidentally ingested any deadly toxins like pop rocks and cocoa cola. I sit motionless and I wait until I am called upon to do something else.

THATS living. I am going to be here for a long time and enjoy every minute of it.



On a serious note (oh no!) I did have the chance to work with Steve Irwin on two occasions and I have to say - what you see is what you get. He was not playing a character. He was an over the top, gregarious, larger than life guy and I can think of about 1,700 other people I have encountered in this business who this should have happened to...but I am sure none of them go swimming with stingrays. Bummer.